Something's gotta give...

Lots of balls in the air and I just can't seem to keep them up anymore... lots of red flags going up that something has to change in order for me to reclaim some sort of realistic balance and peace in my life. I've got to get priorities in order and make some decisions. The last couple weeks have been extremely stressful and really a test at how well I can manage it all. I haven't done so bad, I never do when in the moment or under pressure I can usually accomplish what needs to be done when it needs to be done but I end up paying the consequences later when I'm completely exhausted and things start to settle in or issues resurface that I didn't focus on when I should have...  Or, I let little things that really don't matter become a big deal. Why do I do that?

I just don't like my stressed, unbalanced self. It really isn't me and the longer I continue on the path I am on, the worse I feel. It begins to effect the most important people and things in my life, my husband, my boys... I don't know the answers yet, and maybe it will take some time to figure out but I do know that I need some time to regroup and do some soul searching... 

So, on this sunny morning as Scott and I prepare to say goodbye to a friend, I'm focusing on what truly matters in life. Life is to be cherished and enjoyed, it is a blessing every second, every minute, every hour, every day. I do not want to waste any of the time I have on this earth. I want to focus on being happy and fulfilled rather than juggling all the things I do that are insignificant to just keep going. Doing things I don't enjoy or have to do because for some reason I think I have to do them, really doesn't make any sense, does it? 

If I were to die tomorrow, would my boys remember me smiling and happy, focused on them and their Daddy, and our family. Or, would they remember that I was always in a rush, trying to get them dressed and fed and in the car going somewhere? Would they remember that I didn't have the time or energy to read to them, play with them like I should? I know I do, I make time for these things, and I probably have more time than most mom's do that are managing everything really well, but is what I'm doing enough for me and my family? Would they remember the tender moments, the happy moments or the ones where I'm stressed and struggling at times to keep things together and moving forward?  This is my dilemma and one that I need to resolve before I lose myself and the moments with my boys, my family that I will never get back again. I'm sort of sad to be in this place but grateful to be fully aware of how I'm feeling and have the opportunity to make some changes...